Oh No, I've Lost My Head!

If you would have asked me what I would miss most while Shane was gone several months ago, I would have probably mentioned things like: his help with the kids, having someone to vent to now and again or most likely just having him to touch and feel (my love language is physical touch of course). Those are just the things that seem kind of obvious I guess. Surprisingly, I have not given those items much thought in the past several weeks, but what I have been dwelling on is how much I miss Shane's headship in my life. Maybe I need to explain a little bit. Throughout the past fourteen years of marriage I have consistently been engaged in a sort of battle within myself. You know that war between an independence and a "can do" attitude that tries to usurp any kind of authority that may try to exert itself in my life, against a deep longing to be lead and given boundaries in which to carry out my God given responsibilities. However, the further into our union I navigate the more I have been craving Shane's hand in my life to guide and direct in a real tangible way. It became very apparent to me very soon after he had left that this was to be the first real pain in my heart.

Shane has always been willing to lead in our home, and he has done an amazing job. I can't say that it was always the easiest thing for him to do, but I can honestly say that I haven't been the easiest one to lead either, if you know what I mean. :) In recent years, however, I have just craved his leadership in my life more than I thought was even possible. There is such a sweet security and total peace in being submissive to his careful guiding in my life. There is hardly a day that goes by where I am not painfully aware of the absence of his practical leading in our home. I am no longer interested in playing the 'lone ranger' or trying to show him or anyone else for that matter that I am 'Mrs. Super Capable'. Shane is fully aware of my abilities and he is more than willing to defer to me on many things in our day to day lives, while also providing the vision and direction that we both need to stay on course. Even though I am prepared to stand in all that he has entrusted to me while he is gone, at the end of the day I am painfully aware that more than anything I covet his guidance and leading in my life.

Each and every day I feel that I am just beginning to get a glimpse into what God intended in this area of my life. I am so thankful that he deemed man to be the head of the home and to reflect the beautiful picture of Christ and His church. It is so beautiful and amazing. I am also grateful that I have married a man that sees the importance of reflecting that beautiful picture into our lives. I have a feeling that no matter how much headship Shane provides me in the days ahead, I will always crave a little more. I love discovering more acutely how I am wired and what it is that I need. I love that God created me in this way. I llove needing Shane in this way and every way. I love that I can rely on my heavenly Father to be that head while Shane is gone.

I am sure that many of things that I mentioned earlier will be a source of sorrow and pain while Shane is away, but I am thankful for the opportunity to rediscover what God intended in the married lives of His people. I am grateful that I am bound up with a man that desires to follow God's will for this in our lives, and I expectantly wait to see how God will continue to use Shane to be that head for me, all the days of my life with him.