I didn't realize that I hadn't posted this little passage that I wrote some weeks ago. Not a lot of content, but a brief look at a series of moments that I will not soon forget. :)
Today I spent some time thinking about what I had written last night. I realized that it might not have been what some would have expected from me. I honestly was incapable of really exploring some of the more raw moments of my day and chose instead to provide a more refreshing look at where my life has been and where it is headed instead. I think tonight that I might better be prepared to share a little of my reality with you.
A little history might be in order here. Shane was able to return home for a short visit this past week. He bought a commercial flight home and returned by way of the Des Moines International Airport last Tuesday morning. The kids and I enjoyed a wonderful drive down to meet him at the airport. It was a super special encounter to witness and one that has been imprinted on my heart and mind. Shane was on a six day leave that would extend to this past Sunday. Shane and I had decided ahead of time that we would spend Friday and Saturday night together in Des Moines in preparation of my leaving him at the airport to fly out on Sunday.
Words can really not even begin to express the emotional journey that I have been on these past days, but I will say that it was a trip worth taking. It is almost like a dream now. Even now, I look over in my bed and think "was he really just here?" As hard as I try and keep every moment and experience alive, it all just seems to be fleeting. It hurt my brain to try and memorize every little thing about him: every freckle, every hair, every smile line, every glint in his eyes, the purse of his lips, the position of his feet as we lie in bed, the way his hands find their way around me in his sleep, the sound of his breathing as he dreams, everything, every little thing. I almost go into a panic as I realize that I don't remember, I can't remember, what was it? How could I forget? I can't forget? It makes me cry just thinking about it even now. Oh how my mind fails me when I need it most. I know those moments and memories are in there somewhere, but where?
At the same time, I will catch myself in the midst of one of 'our' songs and all of a sudden it will be like I am living out one of those tv flashback sequences. You know, where all sorts of images flash across the screen in a random and confusing sequence and pace. I try to push pause in my mind and start grasping to regain some sense of order and control over them, but to my chagrin they will not be owned and as quickly as the flash across the screens of my mind they are gone and but a distant memory. It makes some moments almost unbearable and I have had to learn the hard way that sometimes there are moments where even music isn't a good idea for me.
Honestly, the hardest and most painful part in all of this was watching Shane experience this for himself. There is nothing that I saw or heard that surprised me or that I had not shared with him before, but to the extent that he needed to express himself - I was just blown away. In a word it was humbling. Humbling to have someone entrust so much of their inner self to you. Humbling to be the object of so much affection and desire. It was all so humbling.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Nine Months - This Sounds Vaguely Familiar!! :)
Wow!! I can't believe that it has been so long since I have sat down and done some writing. It is especially ironic since my heart has been so full as of late. Fatigue has been a pretty big factor in this latest trend. It gets a little past ten at night and I can just feel my energy as it starts losing the battle with gravity and gets sucked out of my body into the floor. Generally, my only response is to slowly give in to the call of my feather bed, which I know will gently cradle me as I enjoy some reading, television or laptop time. Needless to say, lately all it really has done is beckon me to some super sound sleep, so I try to avoid many of the before mentioned activities for too long in the evening. There has also been a deep struggle to want to shed some light on all that troubles me. I have hesitated to address a few things because of a concern that I would be unable to share without exposing some aspects of my life that concern others who would probably be less then excited to see their part in my story expressed, if even in an anonymous way. This all may sound a little mysterious and intriguing, but seriously, it isn't. I only mean to say that God has been working through some broken relationships and experiences in my life in a very personal way, and because of that I have been unable to share my thoughts in a way that would bring peace to my heart, respect to individuals that I love and honor to my King. Soooo........let's get back at it. :)
As you might be expecting, today marks another milestone in this journey that Shane & I are on. We have begun, what I hope will be the fastest and most interesting nine months yet. Let's see, I wonder if there has ever been any other experiences in my life that would have prepared me for a period of nine months where you will need to be able to nourish and care for others in a completely unselfish way, watch as your body responds to massive demands which require much rest all while you continue to keep up your home and serve others. Ummmm, let me think, oh yeah, when I was pregnant!! I hadn't really even thought of that until sometime this evening. I'm not sure my first pregnancy would count, because let's face it, you get to pamper yourself quite a bit the first time out, but the following four definitely would (which even applies to the 12 week pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage).
There is something about that moment when you first learn that you are expecting a child. It is usually quite glorious and maybe a lot surreal. You start anticipating all sorts of things about how you will look with a big round belly, whether you think it is a boy or a girl, how will you let the big news out to everyone, should they sleep in a crib or bassinet, etc. It usually doesn't take too long after those initial amazing thoughts and concerns that your mind starts to wander a little closer to the fear and trepidation side of things. There you start asking things like "what do I do if I can't get Junior to nurse right?", "what if he screams all night long?", to even scarier things like "what if she doesn't like me?" Yes, the excitement and fears range from the mundane to the totally ridiculous, but they are all very real just the same. I know that as I sit here this evening, after leaving Shane at the airport this afternoon, which has easily become another new record in our marriage for the most painful experience EVER, I am asking a range of questions as well, that span from "I wonder what I should send him first when he gets over there?" to "will he remember what I look like when this is all over?" Some questions are reasonable and others aren't, but they are there none the less, and must be addressed in order to move on.
After all of the questions, you usually run right out and purchase the sweetest and most endearing calendar that you can find to start ticking off the days until the promising event when your new little bundle of joy will arrive. You look at every conceivable way to do the math to figure out the most accurate day and hour of the blessed event. You start telling everyone you meet the amazing news and have just about everyone around you counting down as well. Not so unlike those days, as soon as Shane received his orders, I had my day planner out and was feverishly counting out the possible 400 days so that I could begin the process of creating my own personal countdown. I had to set up a live countdown on my facebook page to commemorate this and any other event that might break up the long and dubious road ahead. It feels like it will be forever, but I know better now. There is no such thing as long years anymore, only time in perpetual flight for me these days.
Then there is the planning that goes into preparing for the actual "big" day. There are walls to be painted, accessories to buy and whole rooms that have to be adjusted to accommodate all that the baby requires. You want everything to be just perfect. You work and work, until you can't work anymore, and then you patiently wait until right before the end of things when your "nesting" instinct kicks in and you go hog wild trying to pull off all the finishing touches. I was hardly a half and hour from the airport today before my mind was just reeling. I was already creating my master list in my head which ranged from "finish mulching the swing set area" to "paint and update the kitchen and bathroom". I found myself getting to the point where I would actually say to myself "do I have enough time to get this all accomplished the way I want it before he comes home?" How amazing it is to go from pure unadulterated pain and agony over the time and space between us to "gee, I hope that I have enough time to prepare for his big homecoming."
I suppose that I could come up with other quirky similarities between these two really personal life events for me, but all I really am trying to picture for you is this - the amazing way in which God works to orchestrate every joy and sorrow in my life. I can't sit here and tell you that every moment that I experienced in my pregnancies were just glorious and full of the miraculous. There were plenty of times that I wondered how I would ever survive another painful night sleep, or how I could manage to get supper on the table with several crying children and my back begging for just five minutes in a chair, but those moments were completely overshadowed by the ever present reality that I was carrying a child made in the image of God, a true miracle. That I was being blessed with the amazing opportunity to love, discipline, encourage and build up a child of the King in the hopes that some day, Lord willing, I will release that child back to his maker and that he will willingly embrace his true Father in heaven and serve Him for all eternity. That makes it all worth while.
Although this nine months won't be producing a bouncing baby, it will be making a husband and wife even more committed to loving and serving one another. Our family will not have grown by another member, but it will have grown in faith and strength in our Lord Jesus Christ. There may be some scars, hurts and pains that we will have to carry with us into the future, just as I have as a mother both literally and in my heart. I can also tell you that as I have walked in the way in which God has prepared beforehand, I have experienced many grand and glorious things as well. No matter how dark and defeating some days are, I am consumed by the faithfulness and care of the Lord in my life. Knowing that he has my days numbered and has prepared each and every step for me through it all, is so absolutely amazing and leaves me hungry to search Him out more and more each and everyday, whether good or bad.
As you might be expecting, today marks another milestone in this journey that Shane & I are on. We have begun, what I hope will be the fastest and most interesting nine months yet. Let's see, I wonder if there has ever been any other experiences in my life that would have prepared me for a period of nine months where you will need to be able to nourish and care for others in a completely unselfish way, watch as your body responds to massive demands which require much rest all while you continue to keep up your home and serve others. Ummmm, let me think, oh yeah, when I was pregnant!! I hadn't really even thought of that until sometime this evening. I'm not sure my first pregnancy would count, because let's face it, you get to pamper yourself quite a bit the first time out, but the following four definitely would (which even applies to the 12 week pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage).
There is something about that moment when you first learn that you are expecting a child. It is usually quite glorious and maybe a lot surreal. You start anticipating all sorts of things about how you will look with a big round belly, whether you think it is a boy or a girl, how will you let the big news out to everyone, should they sleep in a crib or bassinet, etc. It usually doesn't take too long after those initial amazing thoughts and concerns that your mind starts to wander a little closer to the fear and trepidation side of things. There you start asking things like "what do I do if I can't get Junior to nurse right?", "what if he screams all night long?", to even scarier things like "what if she doesn't like me?" Yes, the excitement and fears range from the mundane to the totally ridiculous, but they are all very real just the same. I know that as I sit here this evening, after leaving Shane at the airport this afternoon, which has easily become another new record in our marriage for the most painful experience EVER, I am asking a range of questions as well, that span from "I wonder what I should send him first when he gets over there?" to "will he remember what I look like when this is all over?" Some questions are reasonable and others aren't, but they are there none the less, and must be addressed in order to move on.
After all of the questions, you usually run right out and purchase the sweetest and most endearing calendar that you can find to start ticking off the days until the promising event when your new little bundle of joy will arrive. You look at every conceivable way to do the math to figure out the most accurate day and hour of the blessed event. You start telling everyone you meet the amazing news and have just about everyone around you counting down as well. Not so unlike those days, as soon as Shane received his orders, I had my day planner out and was feverishly counting out the possible 400 days so that I could begin the process of creating my own personal countdown. I had to set up a live countdown on my facebook page to commemorate this and any other event that might break up the long and dubious road ahead. It feels like it will be forever, but I know better now. There is no such thing as long years anymore, only time in perpetual flight for me these days.
Then there is the planning that goes into preparing for the actual "big" day. There are walls to be painted, accessories to buy and whole rooms that have to be adjusted to accommodate all that the baby requires. You want everything to be just perfect. You work and work, until you can't work anymore, and then you patiently wait until right before the end of things when your "nesting" instinct kicks in and you go hog wild trying to pull off all the finishing touches. I was hardly a half and hour from the airport today before my mind was just reeling. I was already creating my master list in my head which ranged from "finish mulching the swing set area" to "paint and update the kitchen and bathroom". I found myself getting to the point where I would actually say to myself "do I have enough time to get this all accomplished the way I want it before he comes home?" How amazing it is to go from pure unadulterated pain and agony over the time and space between us to "gee, I hope that I have enough time to prepare for his big homecoming."
I suppose that I could come up with other quirky similarities between these two really personal life events for me, but all I really am trying to picture for you is this - the amazing way in which God works to orchestrate every joy and sorrow in my life. I can't sit here and tell you that every moment that I experienced in my pregnancies were just glorious and full of the miraculous. There were plenty of times that I wondered how I would ever survive another painful night sleep, or how I could manage to get supper on the table with several crying children and my back begging for just five minutes in a chair, but those moments were completely overshadowed by the ever present reality that I was carrying a child made in the image of God, a true miracle. That I was being blessed with the amazing opportunity to love, discipline, encourage and build up a child of the King in the hopes that some day, Lord willing, I will release that child back to his maker and that he will willingly embrace his true Father in heaven and serve Him for all eternity. That makes it all worth while.
Although this nine months won't be producing a bouncing baby, it will be making a husband and wife even more committed to loving and serving one another. Our family will not have grown by another member, but it will have grown in faith and strength in our Lord Jesus Christ. There may be some scars, hurts and pains that we will have to carry with us into the future, just as I have as a mother both literally and in my heart. I can also tell you that as I have walked in the way in which God has prepared beforehand, I have experienced many grand and glorious things as well. No matter how dark and defeating some days are, I am consumed by the faithfulness and care of the Lord in my life. Knowing that he has my days numbered and has prepared each and every step for me through it all, is so absolutely amazing and leaves me hungry to search Him out more and more each and everyday, whether good or bad.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Oh No, I've Lost My Head!
If you would have asked me what I would miss most while Shane was gone several months ago, I would have probably mentioned things like: his help with the kids, having someone to vent to now and again or most likely just having him to touch and feel (my love language is physical touch of course). Those are just the things that seem kind of obvious I guess. Surprisingly, I have not given those items much thought in the past several weeks, but what I have been dwelling on is how much I miss Shane's headship in my life. Maybe I need to explain a little bit. Throughout the past fourteen years of marriage I have consistently been engaged in a sort of battle within myself. You know that war between an independence and a "can do" attitude that tries to usurp any kind of authority that may try to exert itself in my life, against a deep longing to be lead and given boundaries in which to carry out my God given responsibilities. However, the further into our union I navigate the more I have been craving Shane's hand in my life to guide and direct in a real tangible way. It became very apparent to me very soon after he had left that this was to be the first real pain in my heart.
Shane has always been willing to lead in our home, and he has done an amazing job. I can't say that it was always the easiest thing for him to do, but I can honestly say that I haven't been the easiest one to lead either, if you know what I mean. :) In recent years, however, I have just craved his leadership in my life more than I thought was even possible. There is such a sweet security and total peace in being submissive to his careful guiding in my life. There is hardly a day that goes by where I am not painfully aware of the absence of his practical leading in our home. I am no longer interested in playing the 'lone ranger' or trying to show him or anyone else for that matter that I am 'Mrs. Super Capable'. Shane is fully aware of my abilities and he is more than willing to defer to me on many things in our day to day lives, while also providing the vision and direction that we both need to stay on course. Even though I am prepared to stand in all that he has entrusted to me while he is gone, at the end of the day I am painfully aware that more than anything I covet his guidance and leading in my life.
Each and every day I feel that I am just beginning to get a glimpse into what God intended in this area of my life. I am so thankful that he deemed man to be the head of the home and to reflect the beautiful picture of Christ and His church. It is so beautiful and amazing. I am also grateful that I have married a man that sees the importance of reflecting that beautiful picture into our lives. I have a feeling that no matter how much headship Shane provides me in the days ahead, I will always crave a little more. I love discovering more acutely how I am wired and what it is that I need. I love that God created me in this way. I llove needing Shane in this way and every way. I love that I can rely on my heavenly Father to be that head while Shane is gone.
I am sure that many of things that I mentioned earlier will be a source of sorrow and pain while Shane is away, but I am thankful for the opportunity to rediscover what God intended in the married lives of His people. I am grateful that I am bound up with a man that desires to follow God's will for this in our lives, and I expectantly wait to see how God will continue to use Shane to be that head for me, all the days of my life with him.
Shane has always been willing to lead in our home, and he has done an amazing job. I can't say that it was always the easiest thing for him to do, but I can honestly say that I haven't been the easiest one to lead either, if you know what I mean. :) In recent years, however, I have just craved his leadership in my life more than I thought was even possible. There is such a sweet security and total peace in being submissive to his careful guiding in my life. There is hardly a day that goes by where I am not painfully aware of the absence of his practical leading in our home. I am no longer interested in playing the 'lone ranger' or trying to show him or anyone else for that matter that I am 'Mrs. Super Capable'. Shane is fully aware of my abilities and he is more than willing to defer to me on many things in our day to day lives, while also providing the vision and direction that we both need to stay on course. Even though I am prepared to stand in all that he has entrusted to me while he is gone, at the end of the day I am painfully aware that more than anything I covet his guidance and leading in my life.
Each and every day I feel that I am just beginning to get a glimpse into what God intended in this area of my life. I am so thankful that he deemed man to be the head of the home and to reflect the beautiful picture of Christ and His church. It is so beautiful and amazing. I am also grateful that I have married a man that sees the importance of reflecting that beautiful picture into our lives. I have a feeling that no matter how much headship Shane provides me in the days ahead, I will always crave a little more. I love discovering more acutely how I am wired and what it is that I need. I love that God created me in this way. I llove needing Shane in this way and every way. I love that I can rely on my heavenly Father to be that head while Shane is gone.
I am sure that many of things that I mentioned earlier will be a source of sorrow and pain while Shane is away, but I am thankful for the opportunity to rediscover what God intended in the married lives of His people. I am grateful that I am bound up with a man that desires to follow God's will for this in our lives, and I expectantly wait to see how God will continue to use Shane to be that head for me, all the days of my life with him.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Yes, I Dare to Llove :)
I don't know what I want to write about, but I do know that I would like to write. I feel the need to purge a little, to let go, to vent, to be heard, to wonder aloud, to be known . . . . oh, I don't really know, do I? I do know that it seems like almost everything around me is moving at twice the speed that I am lately. It just seems that I need almost double the time allotted me to do even the simplest of things. I want just a little more time to make supper, could I have just ten more minutes to tidy up my bedroom, is it asking too much to actually complete something that I have started? This is all very interesting, but let's move on and talk about what I really Llove, or I guess I should say who I really Llove, shouldn't I? Shane
Shane is truly, unequivocally the greatest Llove of my life. Oh, and by the way, I should probably point out the obvious here, but Shane and I have for as long as I can remember used two Ll's whenever we talk about the Llove between us in writing. I am not exactly sure when it started, but I think that it was towards the end of our time in high school. Anyway, it is just what we do, I don't even really notice it when I write it, it just happens. :)
I think that it is so clever how God orchestrates so many things in life. I love how He allows us to get all riled up about another person, to the point that we fall in love and think that it is the greatest thing ever, only to find out that we haven't even experienced the real thing yet. When I think about the way I felt about Shane in the beginning to now, it just cracks me up. I remember my father telling me on practically the eve of my wedding nuptials that he understood how I was all in love and that I thought this must be the height of what it is all about, but that it was just the beginning and that in ten years I would look back and see that all the emotions and physical attractions that I was experiencing then would just pale in comparison to what they would have grown to become. I remember throwing my head back with a sweet and innocent laugh conveying my enjoyment for what he had said, but deep down I was like "are you kidding me? I could never Llove Shane more than I do right now, seriously dad". Well, I think that he definitely got the last laugh. Lucky for me it didn't take ten years to figure out how ridiculous of a thought that was.
Each day I live I am falling deeper and deeper in Llove with him. It has surpassed any kind of intensity that I thought even existed. Our Llove seems to defy what the world says is possible. Oh, they would acknowledge that you can have that Llove and passion, but only after a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing to do so and a lot of looking beyond who that person really is - cause you know he isn't as lovable as you once thought. Good grief. I am sure that those situation do arise, but seriously I am NOT talking about that at all. Yes, I do a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing and a lot of looking beyond, but NOT as the basis or foundation for my Llove for him. I do those things for myself, as I continue to conform to what God has required of me in my relationship to my husband. The passion and Llove I have for Shane has grown out of a deep commitment and a completely vulnerable place. Our Llove envelops us because we dare it to. We take risks in becoming as much a part of each other as we can. Time and space cannot even begin to impede this transformation, in fact for us it seems only to heighten the experience. I wait in great expectation to see where our Llove might take us as this year goes by.
I dare you to go out and grow yourself a Llove of your own.
Post Script: Here is another one that was started some time ago. I think I practically fell asleep while writing it one night. All I had to do was give it the once over and I realized that this also needed to be included in my memories of this year. This one's for you Shane!!
Shane is truly, unequivocally the greatest Llove of my life. Oh, and by the way, I should probably point out the obvious here, but Shane and I have for as long as I can remember used two Ll's whenever we talk about the Llove between us in writing. I am not exactly sure when it started, but I think that it was towards the end of our time in high school. Anyway, it is just what we do, I don't even really notice it when I write it, it just happens. :)
I think that it is so clever how God orchestrates so many things in life. I love how He allows us to get all riled up about another person, to the point that we fall in love and think that it is the greatest thing ever, only to find out that we haven't even experienced the real thing yet. When I think about the way I felt about Shane in the beginning to now, it just cracks me up. I remember my father telling me on practically the eve of my wedding nuptials that he understood how I was all in love and that I thought this must be the height of what it is all about, but that it was just the beginning and that in ten years I would look back and see that all the emotions and physical attractions that I was experiencing then would just pale in comparison to what they would have grown to become. I remember throwing my head back with a sweet and innocent laugh conveying my enjoyment for what he had said, but deep down I was like "are you kidding me? I could never Llove Shane more than I do right now, seriously dad". Well, I think that he definitely got the last laugh. Lucky for me it didn't take ten years to figure out how ridiculous of a thought that was.
Each day I live I am falling deeper and deeper in Llove with him. It has surpassed any kind of intensity that I thought even existed. Our Llove seems to defy what the world says is possible. Oh, they would acknowledge that you can have that Llove and passion, but only after a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing to do so and a lot of looking beyond who that person really is - cause you know he isn't as lovable as you once thought. Good grief. I am sure that those situation do arise, but seriously I am NOT talking about that at all. Yes, I do a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing and a lot of looking beyond, but NOT as the basis or foundation for my Llove for him. I do those things for myself, as I continue to conform to what God has required of me in my relationship to my husband. The passion and Llove I have for Shane has grown out of a deep commitment and a completely vulnerable place. Our Llove envelops us because we dare it to. We take risks in becoming as much a part of each other as we can. Time and space cannot even begin to impede this transformation, in fact for us it seems only to heighten the experience. I wait in great expectation to see where our Llove might take us as this year goes by.
I dare you to go out and grow yourself a Llove of your own.
Post Script: Here is another one that was started some time ago. I think I practically fell asleep while writing it one night. All I had to do was give it the once over and I realized that this also needed to be included in my memories of this year. This one's for you Shane!!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Alone Anyone??
Whew!! How many times do you just sit back and wonder to yourself, where do I begin? It is amazing to me how scattered and incomplete my mind can seem, even to myself sometimes. I have been granted a very rare opportunity to be alone. Alone. There was only one other time that I was alone in this house. It was a Wednesday evening. It was for three hours. It was approximately five months ago, but hey, it is not like I am keeping track or anything. :) Tonight I am alone in so many ways that I can hardly wrap my mind around it. Being alone is so weird. There are times when I just long to have a moment to myself, and about the time that I am able to make it happen nothing feels as I would have expected or even wanted. I find that I can become utterly petrified and unable to make even the simplest of decisions. When you think to yourself, 'if only I had ten minutes I would finally get to finish that project, read that book or call that friend' only to find that when those ten minutes finally arrive you end up wasting them in a paralyzed state of indecision or to a perfectly good nap. Okay, well maybe that wouldn't be too bad. :)
Post Script: I actually typed this several weeks ago, I believe it was on Monday June 23rd. I am not sure why I didn't actually post it, I probably thought it was just ridiculous or something. Reading it today, I just can't help but think it needs to be posted. I am quite a character, aren't I? :)
Friday, June 20, 2008
Good Morning, I Think . . . :)
I know that I have shared with many that the life Shane and I share is VERY close and inexplicably intertwined, but the way in which my life has started to imitate his is getting a little ridiculous. :) Over the course of the past two weeks, it would be safe to say that I have found myself waking up at almost exactly 5 a.m. about two times for every once that I don't. That might not sound all that life shattering, but if you were to take a thorough overview of my sleeping habits over recent history you would surely find that this an hour of the day that I have rarely seen, if ever. I love my sleep, especially the early morning variety. The even more sure thing is that Shane does too. I mean this boy can sleep if he wants to. If left up to his own doing, he would make sure that the sun was good and up before he would ever stick a foot out of bed.
Fast forward to now. Stick Shane several states away where that option is more like a distant dream. His day starts at 5 a.m. at a minimum, and lo and behold, now you got me just popping awake like it is the most natural thing I have ever done. Don't get me wrong. I delight in the morning sky and the chorus of birds outside my window. This week I am subtly drawn to my senses by the fragrant blooms that are bursting from the tree outside my window. The experience is exceptionally serene and just beckons me to glory in the handiwork of my Lord. There is no alarm, no willing myself to greet the day in this way, it just happens. I do want to make clear that that is probably where the similarities abruptly end.
I linger for many minutes, if not hours here until little wee ones wander slowly in to snuggle and share "cuppies" of Honeycombs, while engaged in our morning "Sammy" shows, as they call them. This is in stark contrast to the urgent and disciplined rituals that are commencing many hours away. His is a morning marked by very little beauty, only the bland and uniform. Very little pause for soul affirming or a unique experience with the creator, but an inordinate emphasis on compliance and conformity to a heartless mission. Mine is a struggle not to linger here too long between the sweet dreams that have carried me to this place and the reality of my day that lies ahead. His is a struggle to bury the light and warmth of his happy place brought on only by the night and to bring his body, mind and soul under the subjection of an outside will. Two days marked with promise, and yet propelled into motion in two remarkably different ways.
It is precious to me that I have somehow become a sympathetic participant in his distant journey. I never set out to try and mimic his lifestyle so that we might experience some sort of long distance connection, but I can only imagine that God has seen fit to grant me this unique experience of meeting Him here where I can not only remember, but so deliberately lift up my sweet man into the places that he himself might not be able to go on his own. I can intercede and plead with my Lord to fill Shane's heart and mind with the beauty and depth of a vast and great God. Needless to say I greet the morning in a whole new way. I am overwhelmed by the richness and warmth that it provides. I embrace the comfort that awaits me there, for I know that Shane would want me to, if not for myself, but for him.
Lord bless you today Shane, may God's light shine down upon you and may the beauty that is uniquely yours in Him be a source of strength through all your trials today and always.
Fast forward to now. Stick Shane several states away where that option is more like a distant dream. His day starts at 5 a.m. at a minimum, and lo and behold, now you got me just popping awake like it is the most natural thing I have ever done. Don't get me wrong. I delight in the morning sky and the chorus of birds outside my window. This week I am subtly drawn to my senses by the fragrant blooms that are bursting from the tree outside my window. The experience is exceptionally serene and just beckons me to glory in the handiwork of my Lord. There is no alarm, no willing myself to greet the day in this way, it just happens. I do want to make clear that that is probably where the similarities abruptly end.
I linger for many minutes, if not hours here until little wee ones wander slowly in to snuggle and share "cuppies" of Honeycombs, while engaged in our morning "Sammy" shows, as they call them. This is in stark contrast to the urgent and disciplined rituals that are commencing many hours away. His is a morning marked by very little beauty, only the bland and uniform. Very little pause for soul affirming or a unique experience with the creator, but an inordinate emphasis on compliance and conformity to a heartless mission. Mine is a struggle not to linger here too long between the sweet dreams that have carried me to this place and the reality of my day that lies ahead. His is a struggle to bury the light and warmth of his happy place brought on only by the night and to bring his body, mind and soul under the subjection of an outside will. Two days marked with promise, and yet propelled into motion in two remarkably different ways.
It is precious to me that I have somehow become a sympathetic participant in his distant journey. I never set out to try and mimic his lifestyle so that we might experience some sort of long distance connection, but I can only imagine that God has seen fit to grant me this unique experience of meeting Him here where I can not only remember, but so deliberately lift up my sweet man into the places that he himself might not be able to go on his own. I can intercede and plead with my Lord to fill Shane's heart and mind with the beauty and depth of a vast and great God. Needless to say I greet the morning in a whole new way. I am overwhelmed by the richness and warmth that it provides. I embrace the comfort that awaits me there, for I know that Shane would want me to, if not for myself, but for him.
Lord bless you today Shane, may God's light shine down upon you and may the beauty that is uniquely yours in Him be a source of strength through all your trials today and always.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Mowing May Be The Perfect Chore
Did I tell you how much I enjoy mowing? There are very few mundane chores that provide so much satisfaction as mowing does for me. :) As soon as I take that very first step I am able to see the fruit of my labor and that just gets me all fired up. It seems like so many times I start a project only to find that I need to do about three other things before I can truly make some headway in the original task. Then throw in that my kids interrupt me probably no less then five or six times as I try and remember what even motivated me to begin, what is now looking to be like a two or three day ordeal. Mowing is not like that. It is so rewarding. I need only to complete one perfectly straight strip to feel the sweet serene feeling that a well groomed yard can bring to my day. Add into that, that I am engaged in some awesome power walking, I can completely lose myself to Nickel Creek, Sara Groves or any of an assortment of amazing musicians on my ipod and there's an excellent chance that I will continue to create that nice sun-kissed tan. In the end, I love the bright sun as it dances with my daughter Cora across the lawn. The heat on my head and the back of my neck contrasted with the cool shivers as I weave in and out of the shadows of the day. I love the smell of the lilacs by the fence, the evergreens that tower over me and of course the freshness of the newly cut grass. I love the color and vastness of the beautiful blue sky that calmly envelops me as I sit in my lawn chair enjoying a bottle of water for a job well done. There, a project done! One of only a few actual things that will be completed today and quite possibly for the whole week. Oh well, if that feels discouraging the good news is it will be time to mow again. Sweet!!
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