Yes, I Dare to Llove :)

I don't know what I want to write about, but I do know that I would like to write. I feel the need to purge a little, to let go, to vent, to be heard, to wonder aloud, to be known . . . . oh, I don't really know, do I? I do know that it seems like almost everything around me is moving at twice the speed that I am lately. It just seems that I need almost double the time allotted me to do even the simplest of things. I want just a little more time to make supper, could I have just ten more minutes to tidy up my bedroom, is it asking too much to actually complete something that I have started? This is all very interesting, but let's move on and talk about what I really Llove, or I guess I should say who I really Llove, shouldn't I? Shane



Shane is truly, unequivocally the greatest Llove of my life. Oh, and by the way, I should probably point out the obvious here, but Shane and I have for as long as I can remember used two Ll's whenever we talk about the Llove between us in writing. I am not exactly sure when it started, but I think that it was towards the end of our time in high school. Anyway, it is just what we do, I don't even really notice it when I write it, it just happens. :)

I think that it is so clever how God orchestrates so many things in life. I love how He allows us to get all riled up about another person, to the point that we fall in love and think that it is the greatest thing ever, only to find out that we haven't even experienced the real thing yet. When I think about the way I felt about Shane in the beginning to now, it just cracks me up. I remember my father telling me on practically the eve of my wedding nuptials that he understood how I was all in love and that I thought this must be the height of what it is all about, but that it was just the beginning and that in ten years I would look back and see that all the emotions and physical attractions that I was experiencing then would just pale in comparison to what they would have grown to become. I remember throwing my head back with a sweet and innocent laugh conveying my enjoyment for what he had said, but deep down I was like "are you kidding me? I could never Llove Shane more than I do right now, seriously dad". Well, I think that he definitely got the last laugh. Lucky for me it didn't take ten years to figure out how ridiculous of a thought that was.

Each day I live I am falling deeper and deeper in Llove with him. It has surpassed any kind of intensity that I thought even existed. Our Llove seems to defy what the world says is possible. Oh, they would acknowledge that you can have that Llove and passion, but only after a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing to do so and a lot of looking beyond who that person really is - cause you know he isn't as lovable as you once thought. Good grief. I am sure that those situation do arise, but seriously I am NOT talking about that at all. Yes, I do a lot of forgiving, a lot of choosing and a lot of looking beyond, but NOT as the basis or foundation for my Llove for him. I do those things for myself, as I continue to conform to what God has required of me in my relationship to my husband. The passion and Llove I have for Shane has grown out of a deep commitment and a completely vulnerable place. Our Llove envelops us because we dare it to. We take risks in becoming as much a part of each other as we can. Time and space cannot even begin to impede this transformation, in fact for us it seems only to heighten the experience. I wait in great expectation to see where our Llove might take us as this year goes by.

I dare you to go out and grow yourself a Llove of your own.

Post Script: Here is another one that was started some time ago. I think I practically fell asleep while writing it one night. All I had to do was give it the once over and I realized that this also needed to be included in my memories of this year. This one's for you Shane!!

Alone Anyone??

Whew!! How many times do you just sit back and wonder to yourself, where do I begin? It is amazing to me how scattered and incomplete my mind can seem, even to myself sometimes. I have been granted a very rare opportunity to be alone. Alone. There was only one other time that I was alone in this house. It was a Wednesday evening. It was for three hours. It was approximately five months ago, but hey, it is not like I am keeping track or anything. :) Tonight I am alone in so many ways that I can hardly wrap my mind around it. Being alone is so weird. There are times when I just long to have a moment to myself, and about the time that I am able to make it happen nothing feels as I would have expected or even wanted. I find that I can become utterly petrified and unable to make even the simplest of decisions. When you think to yourself, 'if only I had ten minutes I would finally get to finish that project, read that book or call that friend' only to find that when those ten minutes finally arrive you end up wasting them in a paralyzed state of indecision or to a perfectly good nap. Okay, well maybe that wouldn't be too bad. :)

Post Script: I actually typed this several weeks ago, I believe it was on Monday June 23rd. I am not sure why I didn't actually post it, I probably thought it was just ridiculous or something. Reading it today, I just can't help but think it needs to be posted. I am quite a character, aren't I? :)

Good Morning, I Think . . . :)

I know that I have shared with many that the life Shane and I share is VERY close and inexplicably intertwined, but the way in which my life has started to imitate his is getting a little ridiculous. :) Over the course of the past two weeks, it would be safe to say that I have found myself waking up at almost exactly 5 a.m. about two times for every once that I don't. That might not sound all that life shattering, but if you were to take a thorough overview of my sleeping habits over recent history you would surely find that this an hour of the day that I have rarely seen, if ever. I love my sleep, especially the early morning variety. The even more sure thing is that Shane does too. I mean this boy can sleep if he wants to. If left up to his own doing, he would make sure that the sun was good and up before he would ever stick a foot out of bed.

Fast forward to now. Stick Shane several states away where that option is more like a distant dream. His day starts at 5 a.m. at a minimum, and lo and behold, now you got me just popping awake like it is the most natural thing I have ever done. Don't get me wrong. I delight in the morning sky and the chorus of birds outside my window. This week I am subtly drawn to my senses by the fragrant blooms that are bursting from the tree outside my window. The experience is exceptionally serene and just beckons me to glory in the handiwork of my Lord. There is no alarm, no willing myself to greet the day in this way, it just happens. I do want to make clear that that is probably where the similarities abruptly end.

I linger for many minutes, if not hours here until little wee ones wander slowly in to snuggle and share "cuppies" of Honeycombs, while engaged in our morning "Sammy" shows, as they call them. This is in stark contrast to the urgent and disciplined rituals that are commencing many hours away. His is a morning marked by very little beauty, only the bland and uniform. Very little pause for soul affirming or a unique experience with the creator, but an inordinate emphasis on compliance and conformity to a heartless mission. Mine is a struggle not to linger here too long between the sweet dreams that have carried me to this place and the reality of my day that lies ahead. His is a struggle to bury the light and warmth of his happy place brought on only by the night and to bring his body, mind and soul under the subjection of an outside will. Two days marked with promise, and yet propelled into motion in two remarkably different ways.

It is precious to me that I have somehow become a sympathetic participant in his distant journey. I never set out to try and mimic his lifestyle so that we might experience some sort of long distance connection, but I can only imagine that God has seen fit to grant me this unique experience of meeting Him here where I can not only remember, but so deliberately lift up my sweet man into the places that he himself might not be able to go on his own. I can intercede and plead with my Lord to fill Shane's heart and mind with the beauty and depth of a vast and great God. Needless to say I greet the morning in a whole new way. I am overwhelmed by the richness and warmth that it provides. I embrace the comfort that awaits me there, for I know that Shane would want me to, if not for myself, but for him.

Lord bless you today Shane, may God's light shine down upon you and may the beauty that is uniquely yours in Him be a source of strength through all your trials today and always.

Mowing May Be The Perfect Chore

Did I tell you how much I enjoy mowing? There are very few mundane chores that provide so much satisfaction as mowing does for me. :) As soon as I take that very first step I am able to see the fruit of my labor and that just gets me all fired up. It seems like so many times I start a project only to find that I need to do about three other things before I can truly make some headway in the original task. Then throw in that my kids interrupt me probably no less then five or six times as I try and remember what even motivated me to begin, what is now looking to be like a two or three day ordeal. Mowing is not like that. It is so rewarding. I need only to complete one perfectly straight strip to feel the sweet serene feeling that a well groomed yard can bring to my day. Add into that, that I am engaged in some awesome power walking, I can completely lose myself to Nickel Creek, Sara Groves or any of an assortment of amazing musicians on my ipod and there's an excellent chance that I will continue to create that nice sun-kissed tan. In the end, I love the bright sun as it dances with my daughter Cora across the lawn. The heat on my head and the back of my neck contrasted with the cool shivers as I weave in and out of the shadows of the day. I love the smell of the lilacs by the fence, the evergreens that tower over me and of course the freshness of the newly cut grass. I love the color and vastness of the beautiful blue sky that calmly envelops me as I sit in my lawn chair enjoying a bottle of water for a job well done. There, a project done! One of only a few actual things that will be completed today and quite possibly for the whole week. Oh well, if that feels discouraging the good news is it will be time to mow again. Sweet!!

Laundry anyone??

Did you ever think that doing laundry could take your breath away? That was just one of several amazing discoveries I have made in the past week. It kind of went like this. Dirty laundry is created in approximately 90% of the rooms in my house, as well as 100% of the area outside of my house. I continually am walking around our vast domain with an eye for any particular item that I can deposit in my backroom, which houses my washer and dryer. Then periodically throughout the day I sort and consider which loads hold the most promise, and by this I mean, which loads will leave me with the greatest sense of accomplishment when completed, those that have the most immediate gratification. I bet you are wondering how anyone could have such a neurotic approach to laundry, but hey, you have to keep things somewhat interesting around the house, right? I then proceed to carefully examine each item as I place them in the washing machine with a heavy dose of Purex laundry detergent. In a fairly quick 20 minutes or so I again painstakingly peruse each and every piece of clothing so as to not inadvertently dry a nasty little stain permanently in place. This is probably where the most exciting part begins. With a quick toss of the wrist, I fling a fresh smelling dryer sheet in with the damp clothes and give the knob an abrupt push. There are few household sounds that I enjoy more than a quiet, steady sound of the dryer hummm. It is like a soothing rain or the steady splash of water as it hits the shore (as you can see I have a thing for water too, maybe we will touch on that in a later post :)). Now the waiting game begins. You see, sometimes my dryer likes to play games with me. It can't decide if it actually wants to dry clothes in an expiated manner or not. So after one or two false alarms, we finally have some nicely dry and warm clothes. This is the part that can go one of two ways. I excitingly grab one piece at a time and carefully fold and sort to promptly place in the proper place in the proper room, or I conveniently forget that the dryer was even running and find myself hours later with a dryer full of clothes that now require some attention due to the fact that they are all wrinkly. :)

You may wonder what this has to do with my opening line, and the truth is not much, but I thought that it would be fun to examine one of the many mundane tasks that occur around here. Well today when I was in the midst of the before mentioned routine, I was totally stopped in my tracks as I realized that I was actually washing the very last piece of Shane's clothing that I would wash for over a year. I just kind of stood there holding one of what is a dwindling supply of things that still have his personal 'shane-print' on them. You know what I mean. His smell and just the feel of him on them. Honestly I didn't cry or anything, but it was almost all I could take to throw it in the washer. There is another side to all of this as well. I not only absolutely go crazy at the faintest smell of him, but I also just love to serve his every need. It may sound weird, but I really count it a privilege to wash his clothes every day. I love the idea that I can play some small part in making his life a little bit easier. To be able to do that one thing that makes his ability to get up and get going just that much more enjoyable, that is just the ultimate for me. I hate that I am being robbed of the ability to be that kind of support to him during this time. There are so many times in the day, I just wish that I could somehow reach into his life and grab hold of even the most insignificant task and take care of it for him. Just a little Sara's touch on his life each and every day. I know that much of what I do, if not almost everything this year is actually going to be a huge support to him, but it just doesn't compare to being able to do it directly to and for him. I hope that many of you who read this are fortunate enough to care for and serve the love of their life like I get to each and every day.

Isolation Inside & Out - How Strange!

I am sitting here in my room feeling a little cut-off from the rest of the world. Although, what started as an internal sensation has begun to materialize externally here in La Porte City. An interesting parallel has been developing. Over the past several weeks we have received much rain over and over again. The ground is satiated, the rivers are pregnant and people are scrambling to protect the extensions of themselves with great vigor. More rain is fore casted yet today. It may even be severe. The news has just informed us that at this point there is not anyway in or out of our little town. How bizarre!! This is my first June in this house so I would be lying if I told you that I haven't been a little concerned about how our home might handle this kind of stress, but so far so good. My heart just aches for those that have not been as fortunate. It really is astonishing to think of all the ramifications a few inches of rain can effect in the lives of so many. I don't know how long I will be restricted to my home, but I can't imagine it will surpass the isolation that I feel in my heart.

I don't want to sound too over dramatic here. I mean, I have such super great support from those that love and care for me. They are all around and never more than a stone's throw away from being there for me. It is really not about that. It is more a sense of knowing. The greatest support from my family and friends is great because they don't even try and know what I think or feel. They don't try and tell me how to feel. They don't throw cliches at me every time I turn around. They do listen. They do express comfort. They do let me be what I need to be. They do help me to stop and really feel. They are so amazing. And yet, in the soft quiet places of my heart I just can't help but feel like this is a journey that is meant only for me. That my feelings, questions and struggles will in the end, be answered by only me. As I seek out the wisdom that only God's word provides and the experiences that He has meant for me to walk through, I know that He will be enough and He has intended for me to glorify Him through all that I discover.

I do find solace in the quiet lonely parts of my day. It has been my habit so far to make my way outside to a nice still place where I can sit and gaze at the sky and be overwhelmed by the expanse that awaits me there. It is that expanse that embraces Shane where he is and all of us everywhere. That kind of hug from the sky is so soothing. I mentioned to Shane last evening, that I was experiencing that yesterday after I mowed our lawn and he just smiled and nodded. He too has taken to the same sort of habit in his day as well. We are such kindred spirits. Sometimes it even surprises me. Being lonely just brings me to a greater awareness of my complete and utter dependence on the Lord, and that is GOOD.

I am feeling that need to look at the sky, so Sam, Cora and I are going to head out and see if we can get a glimpse of what is developing in our little town. I will be in touch with all those of you who are keeping up with me.

Just an observation :)

This must be what it feels like to be in the grip of God's grace. I mean I kind of expected to be doing well at this point, but I had no idea of the kind of peace that has just completely engulfed my life. If I didn't know any better I would think that every single person I had ever met and then some have been interceding for me night and day. Although I am sure that many have been, I truly believe that God's mercy in my life is just that amazing.

The truth is, Shane and I have spent countless nights, weeks and months apart throughout the past fourteen years that we have been married. There were military schools, 2nd and 3rd shift jobs, and actual 2nd and 3rd part-time jobs. We have always done whatever it would take to provide for our necessities and for the opportunity for me to be able to stay home and raise our children. It will take a good eight or nine weeks before I really start to experience life outside the ordinary for us. I am guessing that that might sound really sad to some who would hear that, but I really feel that I couldn't be any more blessed than I am. The life that we have forged together has been nothing but pure joy. Would I wish that I could spend every single night of my life with him? Yes!! But not if I had to sacrifice any of the passion and dedication that we have for each other and our family. We are truly living out the life that God has ordained for us, and I couldn't be happier.

I guess I am not entirely sure how I got to writing about this, but I guess that is part of the fun that goes along with just putting yourself out there. I know how it is when I just open my mouth and sometimes things just come rolling out. Apparently, my fingers have the same problem when I let them loose on the keys.

The tornado that never was

This is turning out to be the night that just won't end. I had finally decided to succomb to the dreams that awaited me after endulging in a "Top Chef" rerun after midnight, when I was brought back to consciousness by the La Porte City tornado siren around 1:30 this morning. It is just one of those moments when you could really use a pinch to determine if you are actually experiencing life or not.

At our house, Shane & I share a room upstairs and just adjacent to us is Lizzie's room in our split foyer home. I instinctively decided to grab Lizzie and carry her down to the basement where the other three sleep. She came to as we raced downstairs and of course thought it a little odd that I would be carrying her around anywhere - she is almost 9 years old. Once we got down there we discovered that Gabe was still coherent and watching television in our family room. Now that might seem a little odd, but I had allowed both my older two to have a kind of improtu camp out downstairs where they could celebrate the end of the school year and surviving dad's send-off. Lizzie had given in to the call of the night and had retired up to her room. Gabe, of course will do just about anything to make the night last. Anyway, he had heard the siren, but for some reason was out enough to just kind of tune it out while catching one of his favorite shows. As I set Lizzie on the couch, he just kind of looked at me like "what are you doing?". I quickly grabbed the remote and flipped it over to channel seven and Jeff Kennedy's accurate forecasting to see what the story was. It appeared that the storm was approximately five to ten miles outside of La Porte City, which made sense because I hadn't even seen a flash of lightening or heard thunder or even a drop of rain.

It was a little eerie to be sitting in a kind of silence broken only by the shrill siren. I had no idea what was coming, but I decided that I needed to get the kids in our closet under the stairs. Gabe and Lizzie quickly made their way with their blankets, while I tried to keep an ear to the news. It was a little difficult to make myself go into Sam & Cora's room, where they lay sleeping ever so deeply. I grabbed Cora first and laid her in the middle of a comforter that I had laid out on the floor of the closet. Gabe & Lizzie squeezed in the back amongst rubbermaids and other odds and ends. I had the door slightly ajar and kept watching and listening to what Jeff was predicting. It looked like another 20 minutes and the threat would pass. Now the phone is ringing. Is it Steph, grandpa and grandma, who? No, it is my special friend Nicole. She is sitting around 12 miles away in Waterloo watching tv after getting a call from her mom. She is concerned and just had to make sure her newly seperated friend was okay. I am relieved to here a very familiar voice and to know that someone cares so much about me and the kids. We are now just under five minutes from the front edge of the storm passing through so I reassure Nicole that I am as safe as I can be and decide that it is time to scoop up Sam and hunker down for the next ten minutes or so.

Gabe is unbelievably serene and actually trying to comfort Lizzie. Lizzie is visibly shaken and is voicing her every concern. Cora is peacefully resting, completely unaware of the situation. Sam is restless in my arms, but uncharacteristically silent. We sit and wait. I can barely make out what the weatherman is saying. I sense that we are going to be fine. I can't help but wonder what Shane would think if he could see us now. I remember that the very first night we spent in our new home some nine months ago was also punctuated by a siren in the night. There we sat huddled on the only piece of furniture we had in the basement, while the storm raged outside. "How odd", I think. I am relieved as the minutes continue to pass by with no sign of danger. The rapid rate of breathing in our cramped closet has slowed to a slow and steady sigh amongst the kids. The threat has passed and I decide to place my restless little boy back into his bed. The other three remain cuddled together as I take a personal look at the radar and a quick look upstairs to confirm that we are in the clear. Everything looks good, so it is back down to retrieve my little Cora and place her back where she assumes she has been all along. Gabe & Lizzie slowly step out and make their way to the couch where they can see for themselves that everything is good.

Gabe quickly is relaxed and ready to get back to his late night adventure. Lizzie is still shaking and feels cold and unsure. I sit and comfort her. She decides that the basement seems like a safer option for the rest of the night, so she snuggles in opposite Gabe on the couch. I slowly make my way around the basement to make sure that all is well. It has been a half an hour now as I make my way back upstairs to my room. I almost chuckle as I think about the way in which this whole deployment is starting off. I am grateful that I have not had to bear the burden that a serious storm might have brought into our lives. I am thankful that God had granted me the ability to comfort my children in their time of need.

I am now laying in bed an hour later completely wide awake listening to the steady stream of rain and enjoying the sporadic light show throughout the sky. Lizzie has just made her way back upstairs to her bed. She, like me, would almost always rather be in her own special place if given the choice. Gabe has just come up and informed me that he can't sleep and thinks that tonight would be the best night for him to try and stay up all night, which apparently is every 11 year olds dream. I quickly advise him to get back down stairs and get some sleep. I am now realizing that that is easier said than done. Here I lay in my bed at 3:24 a.m. furiously typing on my laptop wondering when I may be able to return to the sleep I so desperately need. The first step would probably be to get off this crazy thing. I just couldn't help myself. I had to document our first night home without Shane. Hopefully we won't have to repeat our tornado drill anytime soon. I guess when I told Shane that it was time for us to hunker down - I didn't expect it to be literal. :) God is so good to me. He is all I will ever need. I can only imagine what He might bring my way tomorrow.

Shane's Military Send-off

Well, here I am resting peacefully in the soothing bed that Shane & I would normally be sharing. I am finding strength and security as I think back 24 hours ago when we were engaged in our final moments together. Now, I am breathing free and easy. Then, I felt like I could suffocate at any moment. Now, I just can't help but smile a slow and easy smile when I think of him. Then, I couldn't breathe deep or long enough to keep the tears from flowing. Now, I am strangely aware of his presence in my life even with his absence. Then, the weight of his head on my chest was so all consuming that I thought I might break in half. Now, I allow myself to enjoy the sleep that awaits me. Then, sleep was the enemy of our time together.

It has begun. This day is just moments from being over and I am so relieved. I want to sit and write about my experience today, but I am just overcome by fatigue. Hopefully the words that I have chosen to share will at least begin to communicate the richness I share with Shane and the wonderful peace that God has poured down on me today.