He Humbles Me

I didn't realize that I hadn't posted this little passage that I wrote some weeks ago. Not a lot of content, but a brief look at a series of moments that I will not soon forget. :)

Today I spent some time thinking about what I had written last night. I realized that it might not have been what some would have expected from me. I honestly was incapable of really exploring some of the more raw moments of my day and chose instead to provide a more refreshing look at where my life has been and where it is headed instead. I think tonight that I might better be prepared to share a little of my reality with you.



A little history might be in order here. Shane was able to return home for a short visit this past week. He bought a commercial flight home and returned by way of the Des Moines International Airport last Tuesday morning. The kids and I enjoyed a wonderful drive down to meet him at the airport. It was a super special encounter to witness and one that has been imprinted on my heart and mind. Shane was on a six day leave that would extend to this past Sunday. Shane and I had decided ahead of time that we would spend Friday and Saturday night together in Des Moines in preparation of my leaving him at the airport to fly out on Sunday.



Words can really not even begin to express the emotional journey that I have been on these past days, but I will say that it was a trip worth taking. It is almost like a dream now. Even now, I look over in my bed and think "was he really just here?" As hard as I try and keep every moment and experience alive, it all just seems to be fleeting. It hurt my brain to try and memorize every little thing about him: every freckle, every hair, every smile line, every glint in his eyes, the purse of his lips, the position of his feet as we lie in bed, the way his hands find their way around me in his sleep, the sound of his breathing as he dreams, everything, every little thing. I almost go into a panic as I realize that I don't remember, I can't remember, what was it? How could I forget? I can't forget? It makes me cry just thinking about it even now. Oh how my mind fails me when I need it most. I know those moments and memories are in there somewhere, but where?



At the same time, I will catch myself in the midst of one of 'our' songs and all of a sudden it will be like I am living out one of those tv flashback sequences. You know, where all sorts of images flash across the screen in a random and confusing sequence and pace. I try to push pause in my mind and start grasping to regain some sense of order and control over them, but to my chagrin they will not be owned and as quickly as the flash across the screens of my mind they are gone and but a distant memory. It makes some moments almost unbearable and I have had to learn the hard way that sometimes there are moments where even music isn't a good idea for me.



Honestly, the hardest and most painful part in all of this was watching Shane experience this for himself. There is nothing that I saw or heard that surprised me or that I had not shared with him before, but to the extent that he needed to express himself - I was just blown away. In a word it was humbling. Humbling to have someone entrust so much of their inner self to you. Humbling to be the object of so much affection and desire. It was all so humbling.