I didn't realize that I hadn't posted this little passage that I wrote some weeks ago. Not a lot of content, but a brief look at a series of moments that I will not soon forget. :)
Today I spent some time thinking about what I had written last night. I realized that it might not have been what some would have expected from me. I honestly was incapable of really exploring some of the more raw moments of my day and chose instead to provide a more refreshing look at where my life has been and where it is headed instead. I think tonight that I might better be prepared to share a little of my reality with you.
A little history might be in order here. Shane was able to return home for a short visit this past week. He bought a commercial flight home and returned by way of the Des Moines International Airport last Tuesday morning. The kids and I enjoyed a wonderful drive down to meet him at the airport. It was a super special encounter to witness and one that has been imprinted on my heart and mind. Shane was on a six day leave that would extend to this past Sunday. Shane and I had decided ahead of time that we would spend Friday and Saturday night together in Des Moines in preparation of my leaving him at the airport to fly out on Sunday.
Words can really not even begin to express the emotional journey that I have been on these past days, but I will say that it was a trip worth taking. It is almost like a dream now. Even now, I look over in my bed and think "was he really just here?" As hard as I try and keep every moment and experience alive, it all just seems to be fleeting. It hurt my brain to try and memorize every little thing about him: every freckle, every hair, every smile line, every glint in his eyes, the purse of his lips, the position of his feet as we lie in bed, the way his hands find their way around me in his sleep, the sound of his breathing as he dreams, everything, every little thing. I almost go into a panic as I realize that I don't remember, I can't remember, what was it? How could I forget? I can't forget? It makes me cry just thinking about it even now. Oh how my mind fails me when I need it most. I know those moments and memories are in there somewhere, but where?
At the same time, I will catch myself in the midst of one of 'our' songs and all of a sudden it will be like I am living out one of those tv flashback sequences. You know, where all sorts of images flash across the screen in a random and confusing sequence and pace. I try to push pause in my mind and start grasping to regain some sense of order and control over them, but to my chagrin they will not be owned and as quickly as the flash across the screens of my mind they are gone and but a distant memory. It makes some moments almost unbearable and I have had to learn the hard way that sometimes there are moments where even music isn't a good idea for me.
Honestly, the hardest and most painful part in all of this was watching Shane experience this for himself. There is nothing that I saw or heard that surprised me or that I had not shared with him before, but to the extent that he needed to express himself - I was just blown away. In a word it was humbling. Humbling to have someone entrust so much of their inner self to you. Humbling to be the object of so much affection and desire. It was all so humbling.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Nine Months - This Sounds Vaguely Familiar!! :)
Wow!! I can't believe that it has been so long since I have sat down and done some writing. It is especially ironic since my heart has been so full as of late. Fatigue has been a pretty big factor in this latest trend. It gets a little past ten at night and I can just feel my energy as it starts losing the battle with gravity and gets sucked out of my body into the floor. Generally, my only response is to slowly give in to the call of my feather bed, which I know will gently cradle me as I enjoy some reading, television or laptop time. Needless to say, lately all it really has done is beckon me to some super sound sleep, so I try to avoid many of the before mentioned activities for too long in the evening. There has also been a deep struggle to want to shed some light on all that troubles me. I have hesitated to address a few things because of a concern that I would be unable to share without exposing some aspects of my life that concern others who would probably be less then excited to see their part in my story expressed, if even in an anonymous way. This all may sound a little mysterious and intriguing, but seriously, it isn't. I only mean to say that God has been working through some broken relationships and experiences in my life in a very personal way, and because of that I have been unable to share my thoughts in a way that would bring peace to my heart, respect to individuals that I love and honor to my King. Soooo........let's get back at it. :)
As you might be expecting, today marks another milestone in this journey that Shane & I are on. We have begun, what I hope will be the fastest and most interesting nine months yet. Let's see, I wonder if there has ever been any other experiences in my life that would have prepared me for a period of nine months where you will need to be able to nourish and care for others in a completely unselfish way, watch as your body responds to massive demands which require much rest all while you continue to keep up your home and serve others. Ummmm, let me think, oh yeah, when I was pregnant!! I hadn't really even thought of that until sometime this evening. I'm not sure my first pregnancy would count, because let's face it, you get to pamper yourself quite a bit the first time out, but the following four definitely would (which even applies to the 12 week pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage).
There is something about that moment when you first learn that you are expecting a child. It is usually quite glorious and maybe a lot surreal. You start anticipating all sorts of things about how you will look with a big round belly, whether you think it is a boy or a girl, how will you let the big news out to everyone, should they sleep in a crib or bassinet, etc. It usually doesn't take too long after those initial amazing thoughts and concerns that your mind starts to wander a little closer to the fear and trepidation side of things. There you start asking things like "what do I do if I can't get Junior to nurse right?", "what if he screams all night long?", to even scarier things like "what if she doesn't like me?" Yes, the excitement and fears range from the mundane to the totally ridiculous, but they are all very real just the same. I know that as I sit here this evening, after leaving Shane at the airport this afternoon, which has easily become another new record in our marriage for the most painful experience EVER, I am asking a range of questions as well, that span from "I wonder what I should send him first when he gets over there?" to "will he remember what I look like when this is all over?" Some questions are reasonable and others aren't, but they are there none the less, and must be addressed in order to move on.
After all of the questions, you usually run right out and purchase the sweetest and most endearing calendar that you can find to start ticking off the days until the promising event when your new little bundle of joy will arrive. You look at every conceivable way to do the math to figure out the most accurate day and hour of the blessed event. You start telling everyone you meet the amazing news and have just about everyone around you counting down as well. Not so unlike those days, as soon as Shane received his orders, I had my day planner out and was feverishly counting out the possible 400 days so that I could begin the process of creating my own personal countdown. I had to set up a live countdown on my facebook page to commemorate this and any other event that might break up the long and dubious road ahead. It feels like it will be forever, but I know better now. There is no such thing as long years anymore, only time in perpetual flight for me these days.
Then there is the planning that goes into preparing for the actual "big" day. There are walls to be painted, accessories to buy and whole rooms that have to be adjusted to accommodate all that the baby requires. You want everything to be just perfect. You work and work, until you can't work anymore, and then you patiently wait until right before the end of things when your "nesting" instinct kicks in and you go hog wild trying to pull off all the finishing touches. I was hardly a half and hour from the airport today before my mind was just reeling. I was already creating my master list in my head which ranged from "finish mulching the swing set area" to "paint and update the kitchen and bathroom". I found myself getting to the point where I would actually say to myself "do I have enough time to get this all accomplished the way I want it before he comes home?" How amazing it is to go from pure unadulterated pain and agony over the time and space between us to "gee, I hope that I have enough time to prepare for his big homecoming."
I suppose that I could come up with other quirky similarities between these two really personal life events for me, but all I really am trying to picture for you is this - the amazing way in which God works to orchestrate every joy and sorrow in my life. I can't sit here and tell you that every moment that I experienced in my pregnancies were just glorious and full of the miraculous. There were plenty of times that I wondered how I would ever survive another painful night sleep, or how I could manage to get supper on the table with several crying children and my back begging for just five minutes in a chair, but those moments were completely overshadowed by the ever present reality that I was carrying a child made in the image of God, a true miracle. That I was being blessed with the amazing opportunity to love, discipline, encourage and build up a child of the King in the hopes that some day, Lord willing, I will release that child back to his maker and that he will willingly embrace his true Father in heaven and serve Him for all eternity. That makes it all worth while.
Although this nine months won't be producing a bouncing baby, it will be making a husband and wife even more committed to loving and serving one another. Our family will not have grown by another member, but it will have grown in faith and strength in our Lord Jesus Christ. There may be some scars, hurts and pains that we will have to carry with us into the future, just as I have as a mother both literally and in my heart. I can also tell you that as I have walked in the way in which God has prepared beforehand, I have experienced many grand and glorious things as well. No matter how dark and defeating some days are, I am consumed by the faithfulness and care of the Lord in my life. Knowing that he has my days numbered and has prepared each and every step for me through it all, is so absolutely amazing and leaves me hungry to search Him out more and more each and everyday, whether good or bad.
As you might be expecting, today marks another milestone in this journey that Shane & I are on. We have begun, what I hope will be the fastest and most interesting nine months yet. Let's see, I wonder if there has ever been any other experiences in my life that would have prepared me for a period of nine months where you will need to be able to nourish and care for others in a completely unselfish way, watch as your body responds to massive demands which require much rest all while you continue to keep up your home and serve others. Ummmm, let me think, oh yeah, when I was pregnant!! I hadn't really even thought of that until sometime this evening. I'm not sure my first pregnancy would count, because let's face it, you get to pamper yourself quite a bit the first time out, but the following four definitely would (which even applies to the 12 week pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage).
There is something about that moment when you first learn that you are expecting a child. It is usually quite glorious and maybe a lot surreal. You start anticipating all sorts of things about how you will look with a big round belly, whether you think it is a boy or a girl, how will you let the big news out to everyone, should they sleep in a crib or bassinet, etc. It usually doesn't take too long after those initial amazing thoughts and concerns that your mind starts to wander a little closer to the fear and trepidation side of things. There you start asking things like "what do I do if I can't get Junior to nurse right?", "what if he screams all night long?", to even scarier things like "what if she doesn't like me?" Yes, the excitement and fears range from the mundane to the totally ridiculous, but they are all very real just the same. I know that as I sit here this evening, after leaving Shane at the airport this afternoon, which has easily become another new record in our marriage for the most painful experience EVER, I am asking a range of questions as well, that span from "I wonder what I should send him first when he gets over there?" to "will he remember what I look like when this is all over?" Some questions are reasonable and others aren't, but they are there none the less, and must be addressed in order to move on.
After all of the questions, you usually run right out and purchase the sweetest and most endearing calendar that you can find to start ticking off the days until the promising event when your new little bundle of joy will arrive. You look at every conceivable way to do the math to figure out the most accurate day and hour of the blessed event. You start telling everyone you meet the amazing news and have just about everyone around you counting down as well. Not so unlike those days, as soon as Shane received his orders, I had my day planner out and was feverishly counting out the possible 400 days so that I could begin the process of creating my own personal countdown. I had to set up a live countdown on my facebook page to commemorate this and any other event that might break up the long and dubious road ahead. It feels like it will be forever, but I know better now. There is no such thing as long years anymore, only time in perpetual flight for me these days.
Then there is the planning that goes into preparing for the actual "big" day. There are walls to be painted, accessories to buy and whole rooms that have to be adjusted to accommodate all that the baby requires. You want everything to be just perfect. You work and work, until you can't work anymore, and then you patiently wait until right before the end of things when your "nesting" instinct kicks in and you go hog wild trying to pull off all the finishing touches. I was hardly a half and hour from the airport today before my mind was just reeling. I was already creating my master list in my head which ranged from "finish mulching the swing set area" to "paint and update the kitchen and bathroom". I found myself getting to the point where I would actually say to myself "do I have enough time to get this all accomplished the way I want it before he comes home?" How amazing it is to go from pure unadulterated pain and agony over the time and space between us to "gee, I hope that I have enough time to prepare for his big homecoming."
I suppose that I could come up with other quirky similarities between these two really personal life events for me, but all I really am trying to picture for you is this - the amazing way in which God works to orchestrate every joy and sorrow in my life. I can't sit here and tell you that every moment that I experienced in my pregnancies were just glorious and full of the miraculous. There were plenty of times that I wondered how I would ever survive another painful night sleep, or how I could manage to get supper on the table with several crying children and my back begging for just five minutes in a chair, but those moments were completely overshadowed by the ever present reality that I was carrying a child made in the image of God, a true miracle. That I was being blessed with the amazing opportunity to love, discipline, encourage and build up a child of the King in the hopes that some day, Lord willing, I will release that child back to his maker and that he will willingly embrace his true Father in heaven and serve Him for all eternity. That makes it all worth while.
Although this nine months won't be producing a bouncing baby, it will be making a husband and wife even more committed to loving and serving one another. Our family will not have grown by another member, but it will have grown in faith and strength in our Lord Jesus Christ. There may be some scars, hurts and pains that we will have to carry with us into the future, just as I have as a mother both literally and in my heart. I can also tell you that as I have walked in the way in which God has prepared beforehand, I have experienced many grand and glorious things as well. No matter how dark and defeating some days are, I am consumed by the faithfulness and care of the Lord in my life. Knowing that he has my days numbered and has prepared each and every step for me through it all, is so absolutely amazing and leaves me hungry to search Him out more and more each and everyday, whether good or bad.
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